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Look we all deal with being insecure. Being the fixer of other people's lives and masking our feelings with the happy go-lucky masks we wear. We wear these masks because we do not want to face our problems, or we feel people will not accept us as we are.

As women, it is the most emotionally and mentally exhausting thing to mask who we are. We are trying to meet everyone's expectations of whom others think we are. We do this so much we lose our true self, from work to school, and even dealing in our relationships, we have to wear many different masks because of what society has taught.

So in this blog, I will talk about a few masks we wear, why we have them, and why we need to take them off. The world will have to adjust.

Society seems to tell us who we are and that we do not fit the narrative of what is perceived as perfect. We allow what people think and say to change the way we carry on in daily living.

I am encouraging a movement to take the mask off. Finding out why we ever needed to cover who we are in the first place and take time to heal those aspects of ourselves. When we leave these masks on, we are doing a disservice to ourselves and the people who really love you for you.

The Masking of Insecurities

You Are Enough

The insecure mask is the most comfortable mask to wear for many of us. We tend to hide behind fake confidence, smiles, and conversations. The fake confidence is walking in a room full of bright and intelligent women or men and feel inferior to them but putting on the appearance of being better, or just as good, but not feeling that way inside. This can be a defense mechanism for your pride or ego, trying to stir others away from your insecurities. For some people, this can push them into the right frame of mind for motivation but can be our worst enemy. Using the false sense of confidence will have you overcompensate in other areas that others see as less attractive characteristics. For example, extra bragging, being extremely loud, pushy, and bashing others are a few overcompensations. That really shines a light on the insecurities you don’t want people to see, and believe me, people can see those before they can see you.

Why masking insecurity can motivate some people? It can shake off the fear. Being insecure can put fear right in your face, but when you instill false confidences, It’s really not faking it, but it’s manipulating your mind and manifesting how you want to be and others to see you. My advice is never to fake who you are, but you use the false confidence to push that insecurity(anxiety)down where it should be. That false confidence will turn into real and genuine belief and give you the power to identify your insecurity, work on them, and not let them take over your life.

Now for why masking insecurities can be a downfall. The worst is the negative thoughts that swirl in your head, that everyone can see you as a person that isn’t what they thought you were, and being afraid people will call you out.

This is all in your head, and this anxiety can haunt you. If you allow it, this will change your attitude towards the people you love the most. This also turns into others’ judgment, putting yourself against really great people because of inner conflict.

The insecure mask has positives and negatives; as I stated above, you have to always remember everything done can tilt any way if you allow it to control your life.

Confidence doesn’t come easy, and everyone has insecurities; they just don’t go blasting them from the mountain top. But, What if they did? What if people talked about what makes them insecure and how they deal with it. This will give others just like you an understanding of how you feel. Take the mask off and be yourself.

When I was a child, my mom told me that everyone is not going to like you or be happy for you. You have to be pleased with yourself; their opinions don’t matter. That was the hard thing to accept as a chunky long-haired, four eyed girl. All I wanted was to be accepted and have friends, so I did things and acted in ways just to be accepted. This lasted for a little while, but as I grew into my own, there were things I just wasn’t into, and I saw my circle of friendships shift. By the time I was in my 20’s, friends had come and gone, but a small few still stick by my side. My insecure mask was starting to slip off.

I’ve always had a fair amount of healthy confidence; I started telling people how I felt and what I wasn’t going to deal with, taking control of what I wanted around me and accepting me for me. It would be long before I then understood what my mother meant. If you didn’t like me telling you the truth, even if it wasn’t what you wanted to hear, I honestly couldn’t be your friend; I would be doing you a disservice, not telling you the truth and how I feel. Lost a lot of friendships because of that honesty, but I wasn’t insecure about my feelings anymore, this boosted my confidence.

What’s my insecurity?

I hate to be misunderstood; it makes me feel like I didn’t convey my communication with others. SO I over-explain.

Coming off as rigid and stiff, Well, that’s the Leo in me that 🔥 I genuinely never like to hurt others’ feelings, but I speak with passion and confidence, which can sometimes be misunderstood as anger.

I am learning to be more sensitive and understanding others, so I stop and listen more, and I try not to judge too quickly.

Having real confidence, optimism, and happiness helps me to fully understand Who I am. I am a naturally happy person, I’m optimistic, and I see the good in things when others don’t, which is a blessing and a curse. When others are down, I try to lift them up because it brings me great joy to help people be happy and live in their truth.

What makes you Insecure? and Why?

How can you find that beautiful person inside?

The Fixer/ The Energy Vampire/The Narcissist

Caution Bad News When Mixed,

You can’t fix everyone! You are not the Almighty. Trying to fix others can put you in a space to be taking advantage of; some people can sense your need to fix things and use your emotions to harm, which can happen fast; you won’t even know it happened until it was done. Many of us have this mask because we choose to help someone else instead of unpacking all of your own BS that stopping you from moving forward.

You pretty much-asking people to come in, lay their problems at your feet, and suck the living daylights outta you. Seriously, I had to learn to cut my emotions and emotional attachments off. A person will come and give you the sob story, then you put your energy into it, soaking up all their problems and worries, leaving you drained and with anxiety. They walk off feeling like a hundred bucks because they have all your energy and positive vibes. This is called an energy vampire. Like in my blog, [Setting Boundaries for Toxic Family]. It says Healthy boundaries for toxic family members need to be in place to protect you and your family’s mental and emotional state. This saying just isn’t for family only but for friends, co-workers, and strangers that just come up to you and unload.

I know you have a helping heart. I do too, but keeping that mask of being a fixer makes it difficult for you to fix and focus on yourself. My advice is to give these people the truth about their situation, give them the words of encouragement and what they need to do to get them on the path, and then let it go. It is not yours to hold on to. Unless you are a therapist, it’s not your job to make people accountable for their life choices. It is their job and life.

You are simply the shoulder to cry on, but you can’t carry a burden that was never yours in the first place. That energy will follow you and put in unnecessary stress and anger into your energetic frequency. Yes, it can be hard when you love or care for these people, but this mask turns you away from the healing and discovery you need to grow and learn from. It may sound selfish, but sometimes you have to be a little selfish to move forward in your life and protect your peace.

Where can you be a bit more selfish in your life?

Is being a fixer causing unnecessary issues in your life?

What has being a fixer gotten you so far? Is it worth it?

Having this mask kept me in an abusive relationship for a few years. I lost the most productive years of my life trying to fix and help someone who didn’t give a damn about me and how their actions affected their child and me. Trying to fix a person with signs of mental illness and personality disorders is not your job. They need to seek professional help or do something about healing and repairing themselves. This is an uphill battler that you surely will not win. Unhappy people will project their insecurities, anger, and hate on you, causing you to rethink yourself negatively. Dealing with a person like this will have you questioning everything you do. It is a mind game for people like this. This is called narcissism. Narcissism and energy vampires work hand and hand on a fixer. They want to take your bright light from you to make them feel powerful, strong, and confident. Leaving you full of anxiety, resentment, and confusion.

This is a dangerous game for a fixer. As the fixer gives the soul suckers, “That’s what we will call them,” attention and make them feel wanted, loved, and empathy, the soul suckers eat it up and will do anything for more because they have no compassion for others it’s all about them and what they want from you.

They tend to have trouble in many of their relationships because of their views of themselves. They are very vulnerable and touchy if they are criticized and very emotional people, that love to take advantage of others to get what they want. They use the people who wear the fixer’s mask because frankly, they are gullible, they can’t see past helping someone or, in the words of E-40 Captain Save A Hoe. The fixer is usually easy to trick because their affords are ego-driven.

Yes, I was once the fixer in that relationship, and it came at a high cost—my self-worth, confidence, and self-esteem. After a little bit of time, I saw the truth. Everyone told me, but that fixer ego was in the way, “I can help him,” “He needs my help,” and “He has no one.” I was being played; he never wanted help. He just needed someone to leech off and abuse for his own ego. Two ego-driven people are never a good match. He pushed my family and friends away, caused so much drama in all my relationships that many people abandoned me. I was in a deep depression, which made me insecure in ways I never knew, cause me to question my self-worth. These people love to hurt you, name-calling, physical abuse when you don’t do what they want. Isolation is their favorite, so they can use you up with no interference.

Why did I have the mask on? Like many women, you want to help, and you want to love. In the relationship previously, I had so many boundaries. I was known as a self-centered, cold, and mean person, so I did the opposite in the next relationship because I was told that’s who I was, and I believed it. I didn’t want to be seen in that way.

Opening myself up too much and not closing off things that should have been boundaries. That fixer mask had to go fast. They couldn’t be helped by me. Tired and pissed, not only at the relationship but myself for letting someone like this sucking me dry caused me bodily harm and made me feel worthless. No one knew the horrible things endured, with the courage to leave, the mask came off, and through that bitch as far as I could, never leaving myself vulnerable like that again. Boundaries came up quick fast, and in a hurry. That allowed me to see just how strong I was, never letting the words of others dictate my road. Became a warrior in my life. If I had stayed, my daughter probably wouldn’t have a mother right now.

The fixer mask is rubbish, don’t change who you are because of what someone told you. Some boundaries are there to protect you. You can’t fix people that aren’t ready. Plain and simple, You open yourself up to problems that you didn’t have, and now you have them, and you have to deal with those. My road wasn’t easy, and I’m sure some of you can say the same. That was a choice because that fixer ego wanted to prove I wasn’t cold and hard to deal with. I learned to take that mask off because I was enough, and that hard exterior was protecting my soft and fragile heart.

If you are a fixer, how can you use that energy for good in your own life?

That mask caused me to unveil another one that was underneath the fixer. HAPPY.

Happy Mask.

I'm Fine, Everything is Fine

This mask is not dangerous; like the fixer, you can get into some serious stuff with the fixer if you don’t know that’s what you are. Happy is a mask when you truly aren't happy; everyone wears this in life at some point. You just don't want people to know you're down and out. After that fixer went out the window, I had to turn my focus inside. This was so deep.

Pretending to be happy will have you depressed and withdrawn when no one is looking because you are still not dealing with the traumas you’ve gone through. After all that hell for those years, I was finally free to discover what me liked. Being alone will give you the time needed to reflect on you and what you need to do to get back to yourself. I spent time raising my daughter, having fun with friends, and repairing relationships that fell flat because of my fixer phase. When I stopped and had a chance to rest, I cried and cried and cried. Dealing with the shame of allowing myself to deal with the craziness. I didn't know what the hell was going on with me. I had what I wanted, freedom, money and control. Why was I crying and sad?

My friends would see me having fun and partying, being a hard worker and mom, but no one saw the pain under that. The happy mask can hide so much and so well nobody can see it. Walking around like you don’t have traumas. PTSD! Using other vices to cover up pain and things you didn’t wanna deal with. Heavily drinking when my daughter was gone was the way to deal with what I was going through.

Have you ever been through pain like this?

How did You cope?

Did it help you?

What did you find?

I was very sad and hurt when thinking about all I’ve gone through. Once again, the mask of false confidence started to slide on my face, and the happiness was attached. But this wasn't the helping false confidence, This was FAKE. Why I was faking my happiness. It wasn't because of the relationship I ran from. Ashamed was the feeling, at how people saw me for dealing with that madness. Ashamed and angry at the lies that person told others about what they did and about me. Gaining sympathy from others like they were the victim of horrible things, never telling the truth or apologizing for what they did to mean their child. I was stuck with the scars and the memories. I just wanted to crawl in a ball and cry, because I was so ashamed of myself for allowing that to happen. Taking time to reflect. I didn’t want to handle myself by drinking my way through that pain. I started to work on myself more, but I never told people my story. I walked around like everything was fine. (By telling people a bit of my story I hope it helps someone dealing with the abuses of others.)

When going through anything emotionally, physically, and mentally. Everybody doesn’t have the strength to pick themselves up and fix the problem. Go get some help to heal it. If you feel what you doing is not helping you. Start that process early, talk to someone that helps you understand and deal with the things you were running from in the first place.

We put the happy mask on as a front, so people won’t ask you what happened or hide the pain they are dealing with. Be truthful with yourself, deal with that pain. Cry until you can’t anymore, get that help you need. You can’t afford to shut yourself off. You don’t have to be that pain; let it go and deal with the now so you can prepare for what’s ahead.

You never know how talking about things will open something up inside of you. I took a long road because I was too ashamed. I made time for me, nice long baths, music, and wine. I would stop in the book store buy a few books to read. Listen to things that inspire the fire in my soul.

I would put my makeup on and just stare at myself in the mirror naked and tell myself what I loved about myself. Buying sexy lingerie, get my hair and nails done were things done to get my self-worth back. It made me feel good, I started to love myself again. Enjoying my freedom to identify what my problem was in the first place. Once that was figured out, I changed the narrative and my story.

You can change your story by not letting anyone tell you who you are. Your purposes within you, and sometimes you have to go through the mud to get cleaned and start new. So don’t be afraid of mud on you. It can be cleaned.

During this time, I learned that we all have stuff weighing us down. Under all the issues and things used to cover them up, we can hurt the heart. It’s hard to deal with the things you don’t like about yourself, and no one likes doing the hard stuff, but it’s worth the fight.

My life turned around so fast just by being the fixer in my own life. Searching for the true happiness that was always inside. When someone tells me I can’t do something, I no longer downplay myself. I use it as a challenge, and running full force into it just to show myself. I am all that I thought I was. Strong, Smart, Fun, Charismatic, Talent in more ways than one. I figured I was always the different girl a bit weird; I hid that to fit in, which cost me to lose the best parts of me. No longer fitting into anyone’s box, and no longer shrink myself to make anyone else comfortable. If you can’t deal with the big personality, maybe you should remove yourself or take notes. This has been 20 years in the making. I finally made it where I want to be in myself.

I say all that to say, keep pushing, taking those masks off, and revealing what’s underneath them. Explore what is deep within the curiosity of yourself. This world didn’t make you, but it will try to break you, and with that in mind, don’t let others make you feel less than. BE BIG, BOLD, LOUD, AND YOURSELF. No one can be you. Find that happiness and that fire in your life because you deserve it. If everyone were the same, this world would be boring, and that’s why we are taking off these damn masks.

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Oct 10, 2020

Excellent article

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