I Survived My 20's and 30's Hello 40's
Updated: Aug 13, 2020
Coming off a two-week-long vacation for my birthday, it's time to get back to business. I needed time to relax, enjoy myself with my family, and reflection of my life and my long journey back to myself. I'm saying goodbye to my 30's and hello to my 40's. Although it's hard to believe the time has flown by fast. Here are realizations of turning 40, where I've been and the journey that brought me this far.
Saying Goodbye to my 30's
To tell the truth, my 30's were more about learning who I am and where I wanted to be in my life. Wanting to be better a wife, parent, woman. Put my focus spiritually and as a business owner. I needed to find peace, spiritual understanding, passion, purpose, and personal miles stones.
I didn't want to leave my 30's like I entered my 20's, lost. Let's say this journey's road was unexpected, it really just showed up and showed out. I had to deal with my BS yikes!!!!🤭. The fears and pain that I didn't let go of came back at me like the ghost of Christmas past, I started to ask myself what is my purpose. I thought this was dealt with already, but to be honest, I didn't deal with it. I just pushed it down deep inside, and to find what I was looking for, I needed to go through the murky water, and I knew that.
Journey 30 was about being the student of life and taking everything as a lesson to move on. Now that Journey 40 is here, I'm ready to be the teacher and the student.
Good-bye, 30's, thank you for your lessons. I've learned a lot.
I believed I was a full-grown adult going into my 30's. I have a family, a full-time job, bills, and home upkeep. Boy, I was not ready for the eye awakening journey. You are not grown until you face parts of your hidden self. Going back to where I lost my way. Things that needed healing and forgiveness, learning to move on from past decisions that were not in my favor. Working on traumas and issues put me in the place of being a fully grown adult. My spiritual journey is an ongoing and laborious process. If it wasn't for this journey, I wouldn't be the woman I am today with many learned lessons and spiritual awareness.
About 10 years ago, I began realizing changes I needed to make were for the betterment of my family and I. No longer, didn't I want to be angry about the bad decisions made. I didn't want my past to define my future and push my heartache and pain on my loved ones. Dwelling on my past failures seem to follow me and kept me from believing that I was magical. I allowed life and people to tell me who I was, and it was time to rediscover me. I decided to go on a spiritual search to find what I believe and who I am.
I always felt a close connection to the Most High, and always felt the energy of my ancestors that were before me. I was begging The Most High and my ancestors for guidance. What am I here for? I can't just simply exist. I didn't know what I was doing, but I knew I needed to do something now. I was holding myself back from being happy because I had been through too much.
Let's start with one major event that sparked a journey. I had no idea it would shape me and my life from that day on.
In 2004 I was shot in a robbery. I remember hearing the gunshots and the bullets hitting my car, This was the first time in my life I felt like today is the day I will die. As I turn to see where the shots are coming from, I see the bible that I was given on my 18th birthday lying in the back of my car, bright light around me and the shooter shooting at my car. As the vehicle is speeding off, I notice I was bleeding, leg going numb, and heart-pounding out of my chest.
I shouted, "I'm shot!" "I'm shot!". "Take me to the hospital!" Screaming, "You should have listened to me"!! "I told you!"
Moments before it happened, I felt something terrible was coming my way. I knew it was the feeling inside my stomach was that of danger. I said that a few times before it happen, but he didn't listen. Why didn't I listen to my gut? That was the first time I had that feeling ever, and It wouldn't be the last.
I got to the ER with a hole in my hip the size of a silver dollar. Never had I ever been put in danger in my life, my parents shielded me from the craziness of this world. I was scared and ashamed. What would my parents think of me? My family? My friends? I was with someone I shouldn't have been, people told me. I felt trouble coming, I said something, he didn't listen, and now I'm here with a hole in my hip, and he is standing around looking dumb as hell. I almost died. Those were the thoughts going through my head.
In the moment of drama spiraling around me, I knew my life was saved, and I was blessed that day. Nine bullets hit my car, and one of the nine was in my body. I was emotionally a mess, hurt, scared, and in pain. This was not the only time life hit me with a punch from avoiding my gut feeling and common sense, but that is another blog.
2 weeks later, It was time to get my things left from my car. The car was damaged beyond repair. My father took me to the pound and walked with me to the vehicle. I looked at all the holes in the back of my trunk; my eyes were filled with tears. I saw the hole that actually made it through the car and the blood. I fainted, my father held me up, crying nine bullets hit that car! Most of the shots hit the trunk and bumper and didn't go further, but the one that hit me could have hit my chest because I was almost on my knees and turned around, it caught my hip.
I carry that bullet in my hip now, they never took it out. The doctors told me I was lucky, and it was a clean wound, so they left it. I guess that is my souvenir to remind me of what I went through and how far I've come since being a silly young child who wanted to be grown and didn't listen to the people around me.
That day taught me something. God is real. My family/ Ancestors watch over me, and my intuition was engaged. The search for God weighed heavy on me; that act of violence changed me forever. I had PTSD, life didn't look the same after that day, I struggled with going out in large crowds, I was scared that it would happen again, the nightmares and I lost that spark in myself. The things people said to me and about me really made me upset. I resented these people and wish bad on them; they didn't know what I went through, I was pissed. Took me years to truly find the goddess in myself and forgive them.
Fast forward to now,
"It seems so easy as a child," I said to myself one day as I spoke those words. I heard that voice inside say, That's where I am, go back to your childhood. I remember that voice, that's the same voice I heard when trouble was coming my way. That was the same voice that told me I would marry my husband when we were dating. There was God inside me the whole time (my AH-HA moment). I searched for something I had in me the entire time. It was deep within my inner, being something I locked away long ago.